Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Going Off The Deep End...

I'm feeling so depressed today I just want to crawl in a hole and die. There are too many things going on around here that require me to have patience and be a soundboard for other people. I don't think anyone realizes that eventually I get overwhelmed and can't handle all the emotions that get dumped on me. I try, I really do, and then I end up having days like this.
The hubby went off last night about his job, and once again has come to a point where he wants to quit. He really is going to quit. The raw emotion was enough to make me take a step backward. I fear for the future as I always do when it comes to "being poor." I am one of those people that can't handle not having a few bucks in the bank for an emergency, and I HATE it when a credit card comes out. (I don't use them, but you know who does) He won't tell me how much is on the cards when I ask, just says they will get paid. What the hell does that mean? I dread having to live off credit, and *gasp* being in a position where we could lose our house again. Those days are over, and I want them to stay over!
Then being the libra I am, I have to work through the opposites. (while I sit here crying on my keyboard) If he's not happy, nobody is going to be happy. His depression affects everyone in the house, and I can't stand to see him so miserable. The only thing he talks about is how much he hates work and I understand it's time for him to go.
I hate being nice all the time, when all I want is to scream and stomp my feet. WHAT ABOUT ME? Doesn't anyone care about how I feel???
I have so much on my plate right now. Did anyone remember that I'm also trying to keep the eldests head together with his imminent lay off from work next month? With this company buy-out, I have a terrible feeling that his position is going to be eliminated permanently, and where does that leave me? Back to keeping his emotions level, the never ending meetings of trying to find him another job that's suitable for people with brain injuries, and his constant fear of never earning another dollar.
I feel like I have no life, because I'm constantly being brain drained by everyone else that needs me. But that's my job isn't it? As I sit here and feel sorry for myself, I know that I will pick up my emotional baggage and store it in a compartment that says "do not open." I wonder if I can even get anything else in there.

Where's the Tylenol.

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